Raeful

when life is happens, blogging doesn't

2011-05-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

it seems as though i am over due for an update, again.

since i last wrote i have traveled to Kansas C ity to visit my dearest Lindsay, spent a flash of time in Philly and New York, returned to seattle, started working for a bicycling house cleaning service, and got accepted into a nursing program at NYU. phew.

in sum: i will be moving to New York City in three months and my legs are starting to feel/look like the guy's from Triplets of Belleville.

Complejo Habitacional

2011-03-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

por Isabel Fraire

la mañana surge lentamente como un vapor que se eleva

y se difunde en el aire

cruza los cuadros de verde pasto

saltando corriendo saltando

un niño

con una bolsa de mandado en la mano

los edificios de departamentos

presentan superficies planas rectangulares

ventanas contraventanas grises

que se cierran o abren

como tapas

cada cuarto una caja

el jardín de pasto listo y verde como alfombra recién comprada

está encuadrado por filas regulares de árboles idénticos

se arrojan una sombra continua

como la de un muro

III

aquí nadie se habla me dice una vecina

que después de un año

ha roto con la regla

a horas previsibles

dos o tres viejos y una niña

sacan a pasear sus respectivos perros

uno de ellos acostumbra

soltarle la cadena

los otros se detienen

cada vez

que se detiene el perro

IV
en general reina el silencio

sólo roto por el ruido del tráfico

que aumenta notoriamente

a las horas de entrada y salida de las oficinas

pero ocasionalmente

se oye a través de las paredes

una discusión agria violenta

cargada del resentimiento

de una vida estropeada

o la música de fondo

melodramática y jadeante

de la televisión

a una cuadra de distancia

grandes máquinas

se ocupan de arrasar un bosquecillo

para levantar un gran conjunto de edificios

idénticos a éste

In English:

Housing Complex

morning rises slowly like a mist climbing

and spreading through the air

a child crosses squares of green grass

running jumping running

carrying a shopping bag in its hand

the apartment buildings

present flat rectangular surfaces

the windows are equipped with gray steel shutters

that open or close

like lids

each room a box

the garden of smooth green grass

like a newly bough carpet

is framed by regular rows of identical trees

casting a continuous shadow

like that of a wall

III

no one speaks to each other here a neighbor tells me

breaking the rule

after a year

at foreseeable hours

two or three old men and a child

take their respective dogs out for a walk

one of them is in the habit of

letting the dog run loose

the others stop

each time the dog stops

usually silence reigns

broken only by the noise of traffic

which rises notoriously

at the hours when offices open or close

but occasionally

one hears through the walls

a bitter violent discussion

full of the resentment

of a ruined life

or the music in the background

melodramatic and wheezy

of the televsion

a block away

large bulldozers

busily demolish a small grove

in order to erect a mass of buildings

exactly like this one

Journaling Journey

2011-02-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

Looking through my journal this morning I noticed that most of the winter I have been writing about winter. Here is a little word-walk through my winter.

11/22

Long cold nights

Large warm beds

with

Small soft dogs.

There are people talking loud outside

as if there is something to be loud about

but there is nothing.

Long dark sky

over

Many tiny voices.

1/15

When the days are dark enough

to need to read with lamplight

near a window

we know

the best is yet to come

and that, for now,

we are in those thick heavy months of ill-adjustment

relentless resistance

to being still,

and striving for the boundless hope and energy

of brighter months.

But, our eyes will adjust.

Now is not the time for busy things

or sweaty tees.

So, go ahead,stay in bed

a bit longer.

2/13

Sweet warmth of sun sitting

Crackling collisions of cold rain

crashing on the glass

like a last chance to fall.

Eve of spring.

Brightness and becoming

crocuses crouching

waiting for when

they can stretch out

their green bodies again.

That's most of the lyrical contents of this winter. The literal things, as always, take up too much space. Which is to say that there are many things I could write to explain and describe the last few months, but I won't. This should suffice.

A study in Latin American poetry

2011-01-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

This quarter I am doing an independent study in Latin American Poetry. I am using this wonderful bilingual anthology which includes poems from throughout Latin America from pre-columbus to present. In the study I read the poetry and submit an analysis every week to the professor in spanish and this morning I am working on my first piece. I am analyzing a poem by a Venezuelan poet/philosopher/educator named Simón Rodríquez. He was somewhat obsessed with the concept of writing as painting ideas which I think is beautiful and compelling. Here is an excerpt from his poem Luces y virtues sociales/Social Virtues and Illuminations:

FORMA que se da al DISCURSO

Pintando

las ideas elementales= en Paradigma

los pensamientos=en Sinópsis

La LENGUA y la MANO

son los dotes mas preciosos del hombre (observa Buffon)

Entiéndase aquí con respeto á la

INTENCIÓN DE INSTRUIR

No se trata de la importancia de la Palabra

porque

no hay quien no la conozca

La Importancia de su PINTURA

la conocen pocos bien

muchos….ni piensan en ella

no obstante.

Se puede PINTAR sin HABLAR

pero no HABLAR sin PINTAR

Los JESTOS son un BOSQUEJO

de lo que la mano

no puede dibujar por falta

de medios o de tiempo.

JESTICULAR es pintar EN EL AIRE

En el discurso hablado

como

en el escrito debe hablar

conexión de Ideas y

conexión de pensamientos

In English:

SHAPE given to DISCOURSE

Painting

Elementary ideas= into Paradigm

Thoughts= into synopsis

The TONGUE and the HAND

are humanity's most precious gifts (notes Buffon)

Hereby understood with regard to the

INTENTION TO INSTRUCT

It concerns not the importance of the Word

for

none knows it

The Importance of its PAINTING is well known by a few

most...don't even think of it

nonetheless

One can PAINT without SPEAKING

but not SPEAK without PAINTING

GESTURES are a SKETCH

of what the hand for lack of means

cannot draw or of time

GESTURING is painting IN THE AIR

in spoken discourse

in the written one should speak

connection of Ideas and

connection of thoughts

Wintertime cozy

2010-12-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

As the days get shorter and colder, I have been trying out new ways to be cozy. I have had some successes and some failures.

Success: Cream of Wheatlessness

Finely ground brown rice, quinoa, millet and sunflower seeds cooked like porridge in a pot of hot water. I believe the most delicious ingredient in the mix is the quinoa, so you can be generous with it when grinding the grains. I also sometimes add cornmeal and/or buckwheat groats.

Less successful: Sweatshirt sharing

friendsgiving

2010-11-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Philadelphia this evening and within an hour I was at a potluck, sitting on a couch talking with two doulas...good omen? I'd like to believe so.

When I arrived I met up with Nikki (the daughter of my dad's old navy friend who became my friend a few years ago). She met me at a train stop in Kensington and we walked a few blocks to her friends' house where they were having a "friendsgiving" meal. I said hi to some familiar faces and slowly tried to make my way to the food table. I had not had much to eat on a full day of traveling and socializing seemed impossible without some nourishment.

As I was scooping myself some collards in peanut sauce, the woman next to me introduced herself. We stood together eating from blue plastic plates and began a conversation. She asked why I was in Philly, I told her I came for an interview at PENN, she told me she was a beginning doula, and the conversation proceeded as one might assume: we talked about being doulas, hospital vs. home birth, and everything in between. Later on in the the evening, another woman arrived who was also a doula and she joined our conversation.

All in all it was encouraging in the sense that there are folks here with shared beliefs and perspectives about birth that I can be supported by. It was real in a way that I got to hear the frustrations of women working in the struggle to re-humanize birth on this coast and in Philadelphia particularly. It is going to be challenging to work in a city where there is only one known home birth, licensed midwife. Also, Pennsylvania still does not have a licensure pathway for midwives of this state thus making midwifery "illegal". It will be a challenge and a necessity to be working in birth here if this is where I end up. I feel that I may up for this sort of challenge.

more to come...

breaking the blog block

2010-11-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

Something is better than nothing and some things are better than others...

it is a wish and a regret

to wonder and wander

to want and not get.

So far, this are the most sharable pieces of writing I have got so far. I have taken up daily writing, just to begin a writing discipline. It is tough to be writing pages of nonsense everyday just to get back into the practice of it; to clear the cobwebs.

I have started reading a book called: Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. It is a very simple yet important book about how writing is spiritual practice and a way to self-knowledge. It is a good companion book to what I am pursuing in my own life currently.

News:

I have become quite grateful for my renewed student-hood lately. Being in such fast-moving, material-rich classes has been keeping me on my toes. There is no room for laziness or sliding into a slump. I have been impressed by myself and inspired by my memorization and organization skills. I have been motivated by my motivation. I am doing very well in all of my classes and feeling like I can do anything. Having less time has somehow helped me to take advantage of the free time I do have to read, write, and go for long walks.

I will be in Philadelphia from Saturday, November 27th until Tuesday November 30th to have a tour of PENN and an interview with the midwifery department. Philly friends: I want to see you!

down-back-down-back-up

2010-09-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

North by Southwest Roadtrip 2010 was a blast. Special thanks to our supporters and hosts. Oregon, California, Arizona, Mexico---we love you.

Been back in business here in Seattle for a little over three weeks now. I started back to school and feel my brain grow day by day. I am currently learning about the properties of matter and memorizing the skeletal system. Along with Chemistry and Anatomy/Physiology, I am taking a beginning voice class. Learning techniques such as breath, relaxation, projection, etc. has been incredibly interesting when applied to daily life and speaking. I am constantly fascinated by the power of the voice as an instrument of expression, whether it be through song, poem, or speech.

Olive LOVES our new place. We live in a house with 6 potential cuddle buddies that is located next to a wooded park full of fluffy squirrels.... what more could she ask for.

Finished my UPENN application and I am going to Philly at the end of November for my interview with the Midwifery department. Wish me luck.

Many of you will be happy to know that I began writing again today. I don't have anything share-able yet but the pen and the page have been reunited in my life.

More to come.

Category Three: North by Southwest Roadtrip

2010-08-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

The first few weeks of September Basil and i are going to drive down through Oregon and California until we get to the Bisbee, Arizona. We will be making this trip to visit friends and family and ultimately, to get Olive who has been living with Jade in Bisbee since I was in Guatemala.

We have an open-ish itinerary so if you are in any of those states and want us to stop by, let me know.

Category Two:The Golden Plum

2010-08-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Home is where the plums are. Last week Basil and I moved into a beautiful home with some friends in the Madison Valley area of Seattle. It is a corner house that has a bountiful golden plum tree in the front yard. The tree has to be at least 35 years old due to its size and from what we've heard from the folks in the neighborhood.

Just about everyday we meet someone new who comes to ask if they can pick our plums. They claim they are the best plums they have ever had. Some say they grew up in this neighborhood and have picked plums off that tree for twenty years. Others bring us their golden plum jam made from the plums they've picked. They truly are the best plums I have ever had and the best way to get to know our new neighbors.

The house is Forest green with a red door and a golden mailbox. Basil and I live upstairs with Jordan and the soon-to-come Elisabet. Downstairs live Helen and Jason, two new friends brought to us by Craigslist.

Madison Valley is, well, a valley. It is on the backside of Capitol Hill, just before Lake Washington. Capitol Hill is a very steep hill and most of my friends and all of my classes are upon it. So I am getting back into urban hiking.

It feels so good to live in community again.

category one: vocation

2010-08-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

i realize that i may not have shared with some of you my change of plans which took place a few months ago while i was in guatemala. i decided not to go to the midwifery school Maternidad La Luz in El Paso. instead i am going to go into Nurse Midwifery.

in case you do not know, there are different classifications of midwives. There are traditional midwives: usually indigenous women practicing the old way of midwifery that is sometimes integrated with some new practices. There are unlicensed midwives: women who are midwives but either live in a state where there is no opportunity to gain licensure (where midwifery and homebirth is outlawed) or women who choose not to get licensed because of the limitations that licensure would put on their practice. There are licensed midwives called Certified Professional Midwives CPMs who have obtained a state specific licensure and can attend homebirths and sometimes work at birth centers. There are also Certified Nurse Midwives CNMs who have a nursing certificate and a masters in Nurse Midwifery. These midwives are usually found working in hospitals and birth centers, but many also attend home births.

now the state-to-state licensure for CPMs does not permit one to deliver babies in the breech position or twins, the regulations don't allow you to serve women who desire to have a vaginal birth after having previously had a cesarean section. There are more standards but these are the main ones that stand out as being quite restrictive. After much thought and reflection I decided that these restrictions would be very difficult for me to deal with. Nurse Midwives have different standards of care. They are given more credit for doing the same work as CPMs but they have a nursing degree which gives them more autonomy. I also made this decision because I would like to be able to work in public health and CPMs are limited as well in this area.

So for the present this means that I am taking a bunch of science classes at the community college and applying to graduate programs in Nurse Midwifery. I am applying to UPENN in Philadelphia as well as UW here in Seattle. I might apply to others but I have not decided yet.

summer in the city

2010-07-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

view from our dining room table.

you don't know SQUAT!

2010-06-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

but you should because SQUAT is a new anarchist birth magazine. the first edition has just been published and it includes an article from your truly so read, buy and support SQUAT. click here http://magcloud.com/browse/Issue/84951 to view and purchase.

goin' local

2010-06-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

friends and folks,

starting tomorrow, june 20th, my phone number will be going local. that's right. i will be able to be reached at 206-445-3611. that's all for now.

back to the emerald city

2010-06-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

im back. returned to seattle last wednesday evening. thursday basil and i moved into our capitol hill summer sublet. its a really sweet one bedroom with lots of big windows and houseplants. saturday was summery and we rode our bikes to vashon island to be at cory and shauna's wedding and we camped on the island that night before riding home sunday. the past few days i've been trying to register for summer classes at seattle central community college: waiting in lines and going from office to office filling out various forms and showing my photo ID a ridiculous number of times. its been no-stop newness and resettling, but all very fun and exciting.

there are many of you i wish to call and talk to in the next few days/weeks. my phone number is the same as it was before i left 520-508-0191 if you feel so inclined as to drop me a ring. here are some photos of recent life. enjoy.

what happened while i was gone?

2010-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

for the last week and a half i was in chiapas, mexico. during that time volcán pacaya erupted, a hurricane hit, towns were flooded, mudslides slid, roads were demolished, some people have gone missing and some have died.
yesterday morning i left san cristobal de las casas for xela. the trip usually takes 6 hours or so but yesterday it was about 12 hours before i arrived. the highway was wiped out in some places and in others it was covered with mud and debris. arriving to xela was no less comforting. it was somewhat of a ghost town. several streets were blocked off and big plies of pavement and mud lay on the corners and the streetsides. many homes have been flooded and 5 people in xela alone have been found dead.
my flight is scheduled to leave next wednesday from guatemala city. i think things should be cleared up there by then. currently no flights are coming or going due to the ash from the volcano and the heavy rains. traveling around the country is a bit more difficult now so i am gonna spend this next week in xela and take another round of classes at the language school to get in the last bits of grammar i have yet to learn. i am also going to volunteer at a local women´s weaving collective and refresh my tejer skills. making the best of it.
so in case you were worried, im alright, just slightly stranded for the time being.

Some time with the Zapatistas

2010-05-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

I came to san Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas, about 10 days ago just to spend a few days and renew my visa for Guatemala. But life has a way of opening doors one never even knew existed. I met some folks at my hostel who invited me to a benefit documentary/music show for the people of Copala, Oaxaca. If you arent familiar with the situation there you can check out http://contralinea.com.mx/ and http://redaccion.nexos.com.mx/?p=1313 these websites are in Spanish but they might be available in English too. In short, the community of Copala is occupied by Mexican military for trying to govern themselves and create an autonomous community similar to the Zapatistas. There are kidnappings, interrogations and killings. Recently there have been solidarity caravans (similar to 'freedom rides') of activists to the comunity. Several of these activists have been kidnapped and two journalists from the Mexican magazine Contralinea have been killed by the Mexican military. This benefit show was a way of showing support and raising money for the people of Copala.
At the show I met the small but inspiring activist community of San Cristobal. I also met a Spanish nurse named Marc. Marc had come to Chiapas to help in the health clinics of the nearby Zapatista communities. I told him what I have been doing and he invited me to come along to help with the women's health promoters in the community.
Last Sunday Marc and I went up into the mountains to the Zapatista community called O`ventik. We arrived arounf 11am and went up to the gaurd post at the gated entrance to the community. Three men in black Zapatista masks greeted us and asked us why we were there and what our intentions were. They took our passports and went into a little house nearby to talk with the people in the community who are in charge of who can enter and leave the community. We waited a good 2 hours outside the gate to recieve the verdict. During that time we sat in the shade of a tree and taught eachother trabalenguas, tongue twisters, from our respective languages.
We were granted permission to enter and meet with the Junta, the local governing group. We waited another hour or so outside the building where the Junta meets before we were asked to come in a sit down on a bench in from of a table where the Junta was seated. Men and woman comprised the Junta, all with thier faces covered with either black beenie-maskes or red bandanas. They asked us again why we were there and what we wanted to do in the community. Marc told them about his past experiences working in other Zapatista health clinics and that we wanted to stay and help out in the clinic there for a week. They told us to come back the next day and they would tell us what they had decided.
The next day we returned to O'ventik. We met with the Junta again after being screened once more at the entrance of the community. They granted us permission and actually welcomed us into the community for a week.
We were brought to the clinic/hospital where we were introduced to the coordinator of the clinic. She is a young woman with soft, bright eyes and she welcomed us warmly and told us a little bit about the place. The clinic there serves as a local clinic, like in other communities, but also serves as the main hospital for all of the other Zapatista communities. They have three ambulances to transport people to and from the hospital and to handle emergencies. This clinic is also where the health promoters from the othe communities come to get trained. A group of about 30 people come to study and working the hospital 10 days out of every month. They were studying during our time there.
We gave ourselves a mini-tour of the clinic while the coordinator went back to work. We waited a few more hours for her to return and show us to where we would stay. In the meantime we played cards and were invited to eat with the community in a communal kitchen/cafeteria. At the meal we met a Mexican public health doctor from Veracruz who is living there with his wife for a year. We also met a Spanish Pediatrician named Icko who had been working in O'ventik for 6 months and had just returned from a little travel break.
After the meal Marc, Icko and I were shown to our rooms in the upstairs dorms of the clinic where the students were staying. It was early evening now and we went down to the hospital to participate in the shift-change meeting to get the low down on the patients who were being treated there and meet the promotores.
The next days we observed and participated in the genral consultations of the clinic. I also spent a lot of time in the gynecology room helping with family planning and prenatal visits. It was strange to work in a more medical environment after so many month working in homes. I had the opportunity to apply some of the things I had learned from Eulalia there in the clinic such as the uses of some herbs and prenatal massage for different types of pregnancy discomforts.
I am back in San Cristobal now and I still can't believe what I have been doing with myself the last week. It was a really wonderful experience to be able to participate in such a strong community of people, to contribute and to learn. I have long been an admirer of the Zapatistas and their values of freedom, land, preservation of culture, and autonomy but now my admiration goes a lot deeper.
Tomorrow or Monday I will return to Guatemala. More to come soon...

change of tune

2010-05-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

on thursday i left calderas for xela. things got a bit rough in the last week or so. im not sure how it happenend but over time i was being included less and less in the pre-natal, postpardum and labor visits and then i was left out of two births altogether.
seeing as that was why i was there (and paying to be there) i had a talk with eulalia and the director of the program and decided to leave 2 weeks early.
we had a few heart-to-heart conversations and there were no hard feelings. i guess it was just time to move on. i have been sick with a cold-like, head-compression, moco-drippin something for over a week now and still got some lively activity goin on downstairs so it is nice to just chill in one of my favorite cities and take care of myself.
ive got a few more weeks before my departure and a visa to renew. im not sure what my itinerary will look like but a trip to mexico will definatley be on it. i have decided to stay in xela until i get well again and then have some more adventures.
thats just about all for now...stay tuned.

Gringo time

2010-05-08T09:47:00.001-07:00

About a week and a half ago Eulalia told me she was going to go to the Centro de Saludin Itzapa to pick up some papers. I remembered that I had some friend from the language school in Xela that were volunteering at a bike/bike-machine shop called Maya Pedal. I went with her to Itzapa, asked a traffic officer where the bike workshop was and surprised my buddies. I surprised myself too. I was buzzing with excitement and minor symptoms of culture shock. All of a sudden I was eating vegetarian food, listening to classic rock, playing with bikes and speaking slag-ful English. But it was oh so good for me to have some friends.
I spent the whole day there and we planned a weekend together in Antigua set to take place the following weekend.
It was my friend Antonio's birthday on Friday so we all met up on Thursday evening at a favorite little guesthouse called Casa de la Estella. We ate delicious pupusas, drank some beer and just enjoyed each others' company. Nick and Sarah (some great new friends from NC) were heading to Honduras Saturday and invited me to come along. The bus fare was $7 and the ride was only 5 hours so I figured, why not go to Honduras for a day?
We left at 4am Saturday morning and arrived before noon. It was hotter than Hades and we were a little dazed from lack of sleep and sluggish from the heat. We found a cheap place to stay and walked by a plaza filled with white cowboy hats attending a May Day celebration. We mostly just napped and chatted and then I left the next morning and returned to Calderas.
I was in serious need of friend and freedom time but in some ways it made going back to slop-paced country life without friends real hard. But it was worth it.

Parasitos!?

2010-05-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hey folks and friends. I have found myself here in Antigua with a lot of time to spare while waiting for fecal exam results. I may have parasites. Don't worry its not like before, no dehydrating rear end explosions, just a consistent dull abdominal pain and some serious gas. I thought I would be safe and get checked out while I'm here and medical care is real cheap-free.

On the lighter side, I have some time to blog. A suppose a lot has happened since I last wrote words on the blog. There have been a total of 6 births in Calderas since I have arrived. Unfortunately, 3 of those 6 ended up with cesareans in the hospital. I has been challenging at times to have differing opinions about the birth process than Eulalia. Two of the three sections, in my mind, were relatively normal births that were just taking a long time. I think that I would have probably been less upset about these decisions to go to the hospital if the situation at the public hospital were different. The women are not allowed to have anyone with them and, if it is not an "emergency" (which can be disputable), all laboring women wait for a bed in one big waiting room together with only plastic or metal chairs to sit it. On average women wait 12-24 hours to get seen or to get operated on. During this time there is not sufficient staff to attend to them. One of the women told us later that she was waiting next to a woman whose baby had died inside of her 3 days earlier and she was waiting to get it taken out of her. This same woman received a tubal ligation after her c-section and I don't this I have ever seen such a poor suture job. The sutures were incomplete and sloppy and a piece of pink flesh was protruding from there the incision was not closed all the way. The incision itself was 10-12 inches long which is completely unnecessary for either procedure. This would have been a easy-win medical malpractice suit in the states but here if you are poor and a woman, you have no rights. That's all I will rant on that topic.

I have had a lot of down-time...a whole lot of it. As I have previously posted, I have been playing guitar and tejiendo (weaving) but there are some days I get some serious cabin fever. I guess babies aren't born everyday in a rural mountain community and there isn't much I can do about it.

music time in calderas

2010-05-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

Abramcito on the guitar

La Banda

Badass Loncho

I have bought a guitar to pass the time. It has become my new best friend. I've been learning how to play songs I love and having jam sessions with the kids. Here are some photos from music time.

fotos!

2010-04-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

tejer

This is where i live: San Jose Calderas

catching up

2010-04-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

so i have gotten a bit behind on the blog. since the last post i completed a week and a half of language studies in Xela. i learned a lot and i am really glad i decided to study a bit before my time with the midwife.
i was able to learn a bunch of grammatical skills that have allowed me to be a bit more articulate and have also helped my comprehension. i had a few opportunities to translate from texts and from oral presentations at the school. i was translating sections of Our Bodies, Our Selves for my teacher because she wanted to know more about menopausia :) it was a lot of fun and i made some great friends. Xela is a fun place full of so many luxuries of comfort such as raw milk yogurt, yoga, whole wheat bread, webcams, fresh peanut butter, used book stores and really great hot chocolate and coffee.
early morning April first i took a bus from Xela to Chimaltenango, Chimal to Antigua where i met up with Eulalia. Eulalia met me under a tree near the bus terminal in Antigua. i saw her walking up from a distance and new it had to be her. she is short in stature and rather thin with a long black braid down her back. she practices traditional dress of a long woven skirt with a colorful belt and a short sleeved emproidered top. her son Daniel and his children were waiting nearby in his red pick-up truck. we hopped in and headed to San Jose Calderas.
Calderas is about an hour to an hour and a half from Antigua and is only acessible from a bumpy dirt road full of stones and sand dunes....ok, im exaggerating, but it is impossible to travel either way without traveling most of the way in a dust cloud and consistently bouncing at least 5 inches from your seat.
fast forwarding a bit... i have settled in quite nicely here. i have a room of my own on a piece of land shared with Eulalia and three of her sons. They each have three children from ages 2-14. The kids have been my most faithful friends, always ready to play a game with me or have a tickle fight.
Eulalia has her own kitchen. it is a small block building with a gas stove and also an open fire; the best of both worlds. she is a great cook and loves coffee as much as i do. every afternoon at about 4 pm she looks at me and smiles and says "tengo ganas de tomar cafe." she says is is like medicine to her. im not sure if she means because she is addicted or because of its medicinal qualities. i think it is for the later because i hear her recommend coffee for a multitude of enfermidades. i have been offically accepted as a tortilla maker. i was schooled in hand made torilla craftswomanship last week and on saturday i helped 20 or so other woman in the community make hundred of them for a wedding. according to them, as soon as i learn to wash clothes better, i can marry. (they think i use too little soap but i disagree)
Eulalia is the town nurse, curendera, midwife and most anything else people need. she is pretty impressive for a 70 something year old who has had 10 children, lost two and a husband to the violence and has been catching babies for over 40 years. we get along quite well and i have been christened with the name raquelita, or mi raquelita according to abraham (the three year old grandson).
on thursday i complete two weeks here and i have already caught two babies with eulalia, felt numerous bellies of expecting mothers and listened to many tiny heartbeats. i am so grateful for the hands-on approach she is allowing me to take. i get to cut cords, clean and weigh babies, inspect placentas and all that good stuff.
most recently i came down really sick really fast. on sunday we attended a birth and i wasn't feeling so great. we came home and i went to lay down and started getting chills and a fever. the fever lasted for several hours followed by extreme diarrea. by 1am eulalia suggested we go to the hospital. she called a friend in the community with a car and he took us to the public hospital in antigua. i got hooked with the my first IV to recieve anitbiotics and fluids. apparently i was severely dishidratada. they kept me for about 5 hours and sent me home with the guatemalan equivalent of pedialite and some antibiotics.
i feel 95 percent better a day later and i am so very grateful for the existence of antibioticos and free public medical care. it amazes me that in countries that don't even offer public education past middle school still recognize the importance of public medicine. i don't even want to imagine how much i would have paid if i had gone to the ER in the states.
alright, that's enough for now but i may be back to antigua on sunday and promise another post soon. excuse my spelling errors my mind keeps getting stuck between spanish and english spellings and things come out in an interesting mixture. maybe that's a good sign?
love and blessing to each of you.

down from the mountain

2010-03-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

excuse me for not posting very much over the last few weeks. i had little access to internet and inadequate time to blog when using the internet. this will be more of an informational update but i promise some good stories soon.

on friday i left the mountain school for one last week of language studies in xela. it was sad to leave that place and my teachers but i don´t think it will be the last time i will be there. i spent two weeks en la escuela de la montaña, i learned a ton and met some beautiful people. for my graduation from the mountain school i wrote my first poem in spanish and read it aloud to the group. it was the last poem i posted here on the blog. i apologize if you do not know spanish, i can translate it if requested.

this afternoon i start my first day of classes at PLQ (proyecto linguistico quetzalteco). the school here is much larger and the classes are 5 hours instead of 4. im hoping to finish covering all of the grammar in the spanish language...i know its kind of ambitious but i shall attempt to cover it all.

it has been interesting to see the changes in my language/speaking skills. i feel like i understand the language structure and grammar more but speak less fluidly. i think this is because i have noticed how poor my grammar has been and i am attempting to incorporate my new knowledge of grammar and break bad habits. this has made me speak more slowly and more thoughtfully which hopefully will carry over into my english :)

En La Montaña

2010-03-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

Aquí en la montaña
hay piedras antiguas, sensatas y enterradas.
estan enterrada en la misma tierra
que crecen los arbóles, las hierbas
y nuestras propias piernas tambien.

Aquí en la montaña
el aire esta embarazada con la promesa
de vida y muerte
y la vida que siempre sigue cerca de la muerte.

Nos sembramos aquí
y sembramos esperanza tambien
entre mundos.

Aquí en la montaña
enseñamos y aprendamos
y cuando nuestros pechos
llenar del aire fertíl
reconocemos las raízes que compartimos.

enterramos nuestras diferencias
en la misma tierra
donde residen las piedras antiguas y sensatas.

Day Two

2010-03-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

Today i arrived in Xela after a 4 hour bus trip through the highlands. What a ride. Guatemalan busdrivers handle an old school bus like they are in the Indy 500. The busdriver´s attendant accomplished amazing feats of human strength and fearlessness, jumping out of the back door, and climbing on the roof to retrieve someone´s bags while the bus veered around sharp corners at high velocities.
When we arrived in Xela I took a taxi to Hostel Quetzalteco. They give student discount ($3.50 per night for a private room). I went out for a walking exploration of the town and it was much larger and maze-like then I had expected. Needless to say I got myself turned around a few times and was very grateful to see an office for a tour agency where I found a map. Then I found El Parque Central and had myself an ice cream cone.
It is warm here but today Im all covered up. Yesterday I gleefully spent the whole day walking around Antigua and sitting in plazas wearing nothing more than a skirt and tank top. I wanted to soak up all the Vitamin D I´ve missed out on in the past year but instead I got real sunburned. It serves me right. I´m not sure why I thought I could spend a whole day out in Central American sun after a winter in Seattle and not get burned...
Tomorrow I will go to the mountain and start the language school. I´m looking forward to spending time out of the smog and horns of cities for a while. Thanks for tuning in. Hasta Luego.

Bien Viaje Festividades

2010-02-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are in the Seattle area I am having a little get together the night before I depart for Guatemala. I am calling it a, "see you soon" party. The festivities will be at Watertown Coffee on March 3rd at 8pm- ? If you want to come earlier they have a pretty great happy hour from 4-7pm. There will be food, drinks (available for purchase) and ping pong (free of charge). Watertown is on 12th in between E. Cherry and E. Jefferson (near SU and my apartment). If you can make it, I would love to give you a hug and beat you at ping pong.

Movin' Along

2010-02-15T16:14:00.000-08:00

Hello friends and family. In a couple of weeks I will be leaving Seattle for Guatemala. I will be attending Proyecto Liguistico Quetzalteco, a language school, for three weeks before beginning my midwifery apprenticeship. I will apprentice for two months and return to Seattle on June 9th to celebrate the union Cory and Shauna on the 12th. From the middle of June to the middle-end of July I will be roaming about a bit eventually ending up in El Paso sometime in August. September 1st I will begin the midwifery program at Maternidad La Luz for one year.Whew.
The next few weeks here will be full of farewells. I have decided to let Olive have new people care for her. Olive will be living in Madison, Wisconsin with our dear friends Heather and Mike indefinitely. This was a tough decision but I feel like they are able to give her a lot more stability and attention than I will be able to in the next few years. I will also be saying goodbye to Seattle as home and all the folks in my life here. The last six months have been full of loving friends who will be dearly missed: my neighbors Nikki, Chris and Viva, the mothers I have helped in birth and their new babies, my Co-op family and my new love Basil.
I will try to be diligent about posting has things move along. thanks for tuning in.

where have all the words gone?

2010-01-04T21:40:00.000-08:00

I am in what seems to be the middle of a creative drought in my writing life. I haven't written a poem in months. This is not the longest time I have gone without writing but this is the first time that words are not floating about in my head, forming themselves into little patterns and rhythms to accompany me on my walks home.
I have felt as though i am mourning the loss of a friend. Perhaps this is a commentary on my last poem, "Oh Wonder". Well the plea is still pleading, return to me oh Wonder.

Hey now

2009-12-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

I write this post from the El Paso Public Library. As many of you know, my plans of Bastyr have changed and I have been exploring other options for my education. One option is Maternidad La Luz in El Paso, Texas. MLL is a birthing clinic and midwifery school on the border which provides a very hands-on midwifery education (maternidadlaluz.com). I arrived in El Paso Friday morning. On Saturday I shadowed a student for a 24 hour shift at the clinic and was able to observe one birth and many prenatal/postpartum visits (a slow-moderate day at the clinic). It is a high volume clinic with many of the clients coming over from Juarez. Overall this place seems to be right in line with what I want to be doing...midwifery, public health, on the border, etc.
I also would like to inform you all that I was just recently accepted to apprentice a traditional midwife in Guatemala. The dates are not certain. I am waiting to hear back from my landlord about adjusting my lease from 1 year to 6 months. If this is possible I may be going in March and starting at MLL in September. OR, I may need to keep my lease which means Guatemala in September and MLL in March. I am OK with either but my eager excitement makes me cross my fingers about getting out there in March. Vamos a ver.
In other news, I will be returning to Seattle on Wednesday and continuing to work at the Madison Market and attend births with my doula clients through Open Arms. Thanks for tuning in and I'll let y'all know how things work out.

With rustling leaves...

2009-11-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

These days I have been taking long aimless walks around my neighborhood(s). The air has been cool and crispy. The sidewalks and streets are blanketed with brown and bright golden leaves. Countless times my senses have been exploding with pleasure and I have had to stop and just witness this. In a neighborhood park I rest my knees into the rustling autumn earth and reach my hands into its layers of dried leaves.

To translate the poem from the previous post...

The garden is full of dry leaves;
Never have I seen so many leaves in their green trees, in spring.
-Jose Juan Tablada

When I first read this poem I took it to speak to how one notices death much more than life. That, in fall, we mourn the death of the leaves' but we also mourn that life because we realize we had not fully acknowledged or celebrated it until its passing. However, as I read this poem on a morning like this, surrounded by abundance passing on; I can truly say that never have I felt such gratitude for death nor so much contentment with its falling.

Hojas Secas

2009-10-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

El jardin esta lleno de hojas secas;
nunca vi tantas hojas en sus arboles verdes, en primavera.
-Jose Juan Tablada

I came across this poem this summer in an old, stain book of "New Mexican Poetry" a friend found in a dumpster and gave to me. I liked the poem and wrote it into my journal. It has been returning to me incessantly ever since and probably for good reason. It plays in my head like a song one cant forget.

I will return and translate but I am using the computer at work and my break is over. soon come.

Done did it

2009-09-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

I live here. For real. I am embarking on week two in my new home on the southeast end of the Emerald City and I am falling in love with this place all over again. I will try to find a way to share photos in the near future but until then I will do my best with words.
I live in an old building above an Ethiopian "spices and phone cards" store and a barber shop named, A Cut Above. The entrance to the building has a faded grey sign with the name Mohawk Apartments legible only to the keen observer.
Deep red carpet with golden mandala print lead to the stairs with broad wooden banisters heavy laden with many layers of paint. The stairway seems to always smell of incense and maple syrup shifting quickly to frying chicken as you enter the second floor hallway.
I live in a semi-unoccupied wing of the second floor next to the fire escape (my adopted balcony). I have a bright blue kitchen and four large windows that look out to a jungle. The first floor rooftop is outside of my windows and it has been converted to a tropical potted plant garden by an elderly Vietnamese woman named Linda.
The linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom is at least 35 years old and has the most pleasant yellow and orange designs. There is a large closet equipped with a "shoes rack". The shoes rack is a shelf the previous tenant left in the closet with such a description hand painted in cursive on the top shelf. The shower is walled with tiny blue square tiles and there is a big tub. The main room is spacious and I have acquired a few articles of found furniture and last week I made a cloth lantern for the ceiling light.
All in all I am happy to be here. I should be getting a job sometime soon at the Madison Market (the only true food co-op in Seattle). I will take the fall to get settled and start my prerequisites in the winter at the community college. In about a year and a half I should be all set to being the Naturopathic Doctor/Midwifery dual program at Bastyr.
Thanks for tuning in....more to come soon.

Doula Training

2009-08-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

I returned to Seattle late Tuesday night and spent the last four days in a doula training intensive. Intense it was...in very good ways. For those of you who do not know a doula (doo-la) is a labor support person for birthing mothers. For those of you who do know, I would like to one day become a midwife and doula-ing is sort of a first step in that direction.

Spending the last four days learning about birth and birth support has only reinforced this calling of mine. It has also made me wonder why I have taken two years to begin to pursue it and why I have plans in place that will put unnecessary turns and forks in this road.

What I am saying is that I know quite certainly what I am called to do in this world and I think I want to start doing it. So, I am looking for apartments in Seattle and thinking of settling here for a good while. I would like to follow through with my doula certification and begin to apprentice some very wise doula/midwives I have and have not met here. There are two organizations in particular I would like to explore being a part of: one is called Open Arms (openarmsps.org) and the other is called Birth Attendants (birthattendants.com) . These organizations provide free doula support to incarcerated women, teen moms and women who would otherwise birth alone. I also would like to begin to take classes to prepare me for a masters in midwifery.

These plans are still very new and, as always, subject to swaying and shifting. But it is a start in a new direction for me, perhaps. Just wanted to let you all know.

Hey y'all

2009-07-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

Olive and I will be leaving Seattle on Friday for California. We will be picking up our car and spending some time at the ocean and in the mountains of that fine state. Then we will head back to Seattle for a short while before the big trip.
If you are a friend along the way, we would like to come see you. If you are a friend in Seattle, we would like to sleep at your house for a few days. I will be taking a Birth Doula training course on Aug 19-22 and then I will be wading around town until Elizabeth gives birth (Sept. 8th). A night or two would do. We are comfortable with migrating from house to house for a few weeks. Let me know if you are interested.
So the big trip... After the birth we will head to Glacier National Park and visit Bethanna at the Park Cafe for a bit and then we will head east by way of the north. I am going to attempt to write diligently and keep y'all in the loop. I am also open to suggestions, recommendations and accommodations throughout our trip. When we get east we will go south and then west and eventually end up in Los Angeles a week or two before Christmas.
Stay tuned...

Oh Wonder

2009-07-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

Return to me, oh Wonder
walk along the sides of my
slightly bulging hips and
slowly growing toenails.

Show me again why
this life is worthy of sunshine
and banana bread.
Fill my head with purple crocuses,
haul out the corpses of
winter's withered shurbs.

Call me into the water
Call me into you, oh Wonder.

Oh Wonder wash me in
the river of glass
water sharp and slashing
passing over
collarbone and ear lobe.

Oh Wonder my red warm
water deep purple crocus
Oh Wonder will the pain ever stop
if it never begins?

Come within me
part this red sea raging
with pent up potential
and casual creativity.

Crawl through my caverns
call me by my name,
oh Wonder,
won't you call me by my name?

musing with the trees

2009-07-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

our children are born
we groan and are heard.
our children die and get sick
we moan and are silenced.

our dreams begin again
visions of everything wrong
our sense of shame and anger
dreams without sleeping.

i wonder if the trees know of this
cycle of good and terrible
this circle of bliss and misery
drawn on our bellies.

sometimes i swear i hear them weeping
when the wind cuts through thier branches
it sounds like loss or hurt
or contentment.

if only we could grow rings
and have something to show
for the pain of each years passing
then we too could be consoled by the breeze
like those towering branches of trees
arms outstreched
embracing the next blow
of snow or rain.

we would grow wise in our waiting
and give birth each year knowing
only a few of our saplings will survive.

good times

2009-06-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

last sunday a few of my close friends graduated. the ceremony was at safeco field just south of downtown seattle. so we all rode bikes there. there were about 30 of us; caps and gowns, beer and balloons and one bright pink ghetto blaster booming from a basket behind a tandem. it was a beautiful sight to see.

one more thing

2009-06-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

there is also the option of living in seattle for a year, gaining residency, then starting classes. In this year I would teach yoga, become a doula and experiment in a life lived in one place.... not a bad idea either.

inconclusive

2009-06-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

an in conclusive decision has been made. yes, i will be going back to school. no, i do not exactly know where. my thoughts:

1. leave seattle after a few glorious summer months
2. hit the road with my dog
3. visit people i love in their respective locations around the country
4. settle in tucson in the winter and start taking my prerequisites.
5. learn to play harmonica better while on the road.
6. be a better human.

any suggestions/words of wisdom/advice...?

Something Soft

2009-05-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been appreciating soft things. Soft things have made themselves very much a part of my daily life. In the pillowy mounds of finely ground espresso powder leveled by my index finger and pressed firmly into a metal filter. The serum slowly drips and pulls, drips and pulls its way down until it rises in a shot glass as an ounce of liquid and dark cream later dolloped with milk froth.
At other times I am piling copious amounts flour into creamed butter and sugar watching it turn round in a large silver bowl puffing out small clouds of white as it incorporates. When the mixing is complete I reach down into the delightfully light softness and form it into cylinders for freezing.
In the evnenings I roll into my low-laying matress a little a little grey Olive gently wriggles her way underneath the blankets. She squirms a bit then rests her tiny head on my soft belly. It seems she is soothed by the subtle swaying of her head to my sleeping breath.
And today, as my feet sunk in the freshly watered soil on a frequented trail, the softness came to me again and I am grateful for it.

downside up

2009-04-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

from the down side looking upward
i see life
how it has and has not been lived.

on the front side looking back
i see an old child.

from the hind side moving forward
i feel a fresh light filling my chest
and i am a fluorescent filament.

from atop this hill i see
how foolish i have been
believing the next move will make me
seeking a strong storm to break me.

on this side of yesterday,
i see that yesterday is.

yesterday i am born
yesterday i am beginning
yesterday i become.

drawing you into the loop

2009-04-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

for those of you who may not yet know, a huge loop de loop of change has been drawn in the middle of my life. i have resigned from my position as US Coordinator of the Migrant Resource Center. i have come to recognize that, for me, such emotionally taxing work is impossible to sustain without a supportive community.
so...
the lovely beth van dam (affectionately known as my mother-sister) will be coming down to the border to haul me and my dog and some stuff up to seattle where i will be able to see bis and andrew get married. then i will stay for a while. probably 6-9 months.
and...
two days ago i received news that my grandfather passed away. he and i were close and we had an agreement with each other that i would live with him and take care of him when he was unable to do so for himself. i had always hoped to be with him when he went so that he would not be alone or scared. but he died on the floor beside his bed and was found by police 5 days later. it is a sad story and i wish it could have been different. i have been letting it hurt for a while. today's sunshine in philadelphia and purple's presence has lifted my spirits.
and so...
there are thoughts i have been having of moving to south philadelphia within the year, settling in for a little while and going back to school. it would be a few years for me to leisurely complete my prerequisites for natural medicine/midwifery and i think i would like to do that here.
but...
as for now i am, as my dear friend jacob groves sings, "dirty, broke and free"

the newest objects of my appreciation: puddles

2009-04-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

the opposite of desert

2009-03-29T11:19:00.001-07:00

I have been going for wandering walks in Philly for a few hours each day. Tall trees, misty mornings and mossy sidewalks have been helping me see things a little more clearly. There is something about this place or the presence of a new life that evokes a deep honesty inside.

The birth of Purple Ray

2009-03-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

Mother and Child

The Family
Pregnant Sarah chillin' on the curb.

Yesterday evening I was able to witness the birth of the new daughter of my dear sister Sarah and her partner Rolando. This was the first birth and labor I have ever participated in. I feel like the experience is too fresh and too sacred to put into words. Ethereal beauty, light and life: Purple Ray Kolker-Brown.

terrific times in tucson

2009-03-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

last wednesday i arrived in tucson to stay with some friends in a little community house here. then i helped work the street fair for cafe justo. i met some cool people, a man named paul in particular. he embroiders fine things on a bicycle powered sewing machine (pnosa.com).
i started to begin some writings for what may become a piece about my life on the border. it has been good to reflect but my thoughts are oh so scattered. believe it or not, i had a bit of culture shock here in tucson...im sure the street fair didnt help...but i feel strangely disconnected with this culture which i used to call my own. the young and educated liberal mindedness has become estranged from my experience. it has become evident that i have changed a bit...
tomorrow i go to philadalphia. i will attempt to keep up the postings while i am there. much love to you all.

where i am and where i am going to be

2009-03-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

I am in a place of readiness. I am ready to rest and step out of such a wearisome life for a while; to step out of cycles of hurriedness and intensity which leave me with squinting eyes and ruffled eyebrows.

Some of you all know how I have been having a difficult time lately with the work I am a part of here on the Border. Each day I am able to help serve dozens of people at the Migrant Resource Center and listen to their stories. But it is a lot for someone like me who absorbs everything around me and feels it all. The intensity of this place, this wall and all that our situation entails has started to wear on me how our leaky faucet wears away the enamel on the sink.

Next week I go for a sojourn. I will be gone from here for about 4 1/2 weeks. I am hoping in this time to figure out my place in this mess and how I will be sustained.

I will be seeing some of you. I will participate in the birth of a child and witness the wedding of a dear friend. I will be able to be in my two favorite cities and be surrounded by those whom I love.

The sun is shinning brightly today and coming in through the blinds and making a bar graph of light on my desk. The garden outside is absorbing this and turning it in to good things and I am trying to listen, to learn how I may do the same.

Growth...

2009-03-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

We have begun to dig and plant and grow. There were a few days this week where the garden was full of folks giving a hand at various projects. There is something really wonderful about people coming together in a space like a garden. Working together and with the Earth.

Prickly Pear

We rescued this Agave from Bisbee, it was uprooted and tossed to the side.
Some of its' arms were bent and I hope it will recover. It has still got a bit of that powerful Agave presence to it.

This agave as served as a strong symbol to me lately . Like a mirror.

Garden!

2009-03-08T09:30:00.001-07:00

Red Rssian Kale

Chard

So many sprouts: Radish, broccoli, mung and more

Anasazi Beans

Beautiful beautiful beans

Miriam digging

Kids and dogs and dirt

One bed and pond-ish thing

A Publication

2009-02-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

The other day my friend Fletch gave me a copy of a zine she just finished. it was a simple, small personal publication documenting her thoughts and travel stories. After reading "Vagabondear" I was inspired to put together my own little booklet. I started it a few nights ago and I decided to call it "Maga: prelude to a zine". It will be a collection of past writings, poems, etc. to compile and share. Maybe this will be a start to a regular publication of my writings... Letting you all know so that you can let me know who wants one when they are complete, and partly because telling you all will encourage me to actually complete it. That is all for now dear ones. Besos.

Snow!?

2009-02-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, snow in the Southwest. Here are some photos my friend Jade took of
Olive playing in the snow...

an update overdue

2009-02-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

friends and others... a brief update on the happenings and soon to be happenings of my life:

1. soon to be starting a community garden in Douglas. right now we are diggin' a bit and getting the soil ready. I have been preparing seeds in a window. today i bought chicken shit :)

2. some of the worlds coolest people are visiting the border right now to volunteer at the center and they are helping me start the garden. they are also cooking with me and being friends. they are making me feel better about the world...just in time.

3. today i got pulled over for the first time ever. apparently i was speeding, but the guy was nice because he saw my cheeks were all wet (explanation soon to come).

4. today i cried for the first time in months. it felt good.

5. i have developed the mouth of a sailor...just for fun.

6.there are a lot of migrants coming through the center. everyday.

7.last night i played in the dirt under the full moon.

8.my hair has grown to my collarbone.

9.i am uncertain about all things in life as of late. this may not be a terrible thing. but then again, i am not sure.

thats all that comes to mind at this time. thanks for tuning in.

Ode to Lunacy

2009-01-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

It was not asked for
but accepted
Peculiar preconditions
Delicate dispositions

Such senseless states
Tending us toward
Seasonal psychosis
and teeter-tottering tendancies

To those blessed accursed ones...twos... seven thousands
Unaccounted for
Bound beyond margins becoming
The spines of hard backed
History books

This is for those who see
Differently
Whose knees bounce
Ardently
Keeping time with
The movements
and music
Of their mind

Let these lines be an ode
To those
Whose hands and hearts
Make the beauty we only dream about
Whose lives are like
Broad daylight
and its under appreciated honesty

From those of us who
Know we've known
Only half-lives and lies
We thank you.

2009-01-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

This is where I work.

on destiny and responsibility

2009-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

What if
the sun did not come through
when the curtains drew themselves back

if it fell before we were ready
behind the horizon's hilled fringes

if it forgot to bring us itself
when we rose expecting its return

what if
the sun did not know we needed it
to show what really is, life
that the whole universe depended upon
it doing what it does best

would our eyes begin to sink
into lack-luster lives
singing only dark droning
recantations, vain and futile
with the curtains drawn

a few happy holidays

2009-01-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

hi friends, i have returned from an amazing 2 weeks in guanajuato, mexico city and valle de bravo. i came home to a nice little stack of letters from my loved ones. thank you all. still more to come....i promise

Feliz Navidad

2008-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Hi friends. Tomorrow I leave for a little trip into Mexico. I will take a bus for about 30 hours or so to Guanajuato and will stay there through Christmas. On the 26th I will go into Mexico City for 3-4 days. I hope to be able to check out the Zapatista demonsrtation... Then I am off to Valle de Bravo for New Years with my friend Piero.
Things are going rather well down here. It is strange to have a job with so many official responsibilities...like I'm all grown up or something :) The days are long and I crash as soon as I get home. It is nice to have a home. I think/hope that things will start to slow down soon. This holiday jaunt will be super fun and refreshing.
I wish you all warmth and love this holiday time filled with dear ones. You all will be with me and I with you in spirit. Paz

A new place to live

2008-12-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

Hi friends. On Sunday Olive and I moved into our new apartment in Agua Prieta, Mx. I also got a cell phone 520-266-7972. I get free nights (9pm-7am) and weekends, so feel free to call. Monday is my first official day as the US Coordinator of the Migrant Resource Center :)
more to come...

At the base of the Chiracahuas

2008-12-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

My friend Jade sent me this photo...I'm looking for Olive in the desert.

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

2008-12-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

hello friends. as of saturday i will be living in agua prieta, sonora, mexico. i will be able to receive mail at the douglas office of frontera de cristo at 826 11th street
douglas, az 85607

i may be getting a cell phone for my new job within the next few weeks. i have mixed feelings about getting a phone again but i am looking forward to speaking with some of you as a result. much love and more to come (love, that is) Abrazos.

The Dragoons

2008-11-25T17:02:00.000-08:00

The past two days I have been camping, climbing and hiking in these glorious rock formations. This area was holy land to the native people here and some of thier caves and paintings are still around. The place evokes a sense of calm and serenity I have never experienced before.

Return to the Borderlands Update

2008-11-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Early Sunday morning I will catch a flight from Philidelphia back to Phoenix after visiting mmy friend Nikki and her community at Cambria House. I have been offered a paid position as the US coordinator of the Migrant Resource Center in Agua Prieta and I am set to start mid-December. I will be provided with an apartment in Agua Prieta and a small piece of land to grow things. I am not sure how long this job will last, since my salary will be coming from donations from No Mas Muertes, but I am prepared to commit for a while. So, dear friends, if anyone is up for a trip down south you are welcome to stay with me. Mi casa es su casa. Abrazos.

Rural Pennsylvania

2008-11-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Since Monday I have been on a farm in rural Pennsylvania visiting a dear friend of mine. Yesterday I dug up carrots in the morning sun and today I spun some wool. I have never been in a place like this, with people living in community under shared values of living well and being well. It is a Camphill community ( a village of adults with special needs) founded on the principles of Rudolf Steiner and Biodynamics. There is so much life here.

To be a Mountain

2008-10-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today came in heavy and soft
from under the door frame.
It is fall and the green glory of summer has faded
It is almost Halloween
almost an election
a wedding, a birth, a funeral
it is almost winter.

Today I will walk the dogs.
They will scurry up the hill leaving me behind
Then turn in a joyous return.

Today I will ride my bike
Water the plants, cook and eat,
Visit some friends.

Today I will be good.

Because today, this morning
I am facing the mountainside
outside my window,
honestly.
Fully aware of its incredible inconsistencies
which is what it is
and why it is so profound and poetic;

Because those tectonic plates would not stay put
but continued to shift and sway
to the rumbling rhythms and rancor
perpetually pulsating from Earth's center.

Beware of what those placid plains have to say about death and living.
When the heart receives the call to crash and collide with being,
become a mountain.

Heavy and soft,
rocky and rounded,
paradoxically perfect;
enduring of those today's almosts
watching them turn into yesterday's alreadys.
We will gaze up at your towering display of imperfection
and long for such bold sincerity.

Me and my dog Olive

2008-10-28T14:43:00.001-07:00

Morning Meanderings..a work in progress

2008-10-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Rustling white bedsheets
fumbling through first thoughts
Recognizing
the silence
the sound of waking life.

Familiar functionings
cracklings of ankle-hinge
involuntary inflation of lungs.

It is today, again.

The truth of this
and the fallacy of all such time-bound truths
accelerate the movements.

Platelets and plasma
pursue their transformation
deep blue bright
red pounding

The Grand Drummer drones on
giving and taking
Time
turning and ticking away.

Works of my friend Peter

2008-10-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

My apologies dear ones

2008-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

As many of you may have noticed, I have been slacking in the letter writing/responding. I am very sorry. I have been thinking again about selling my soul for a cell phone (it sounds a lot more painful then it will actually be) so I may be able to speak with you all. This is a tough decision for me so I am open for any opinions, questions, comments, etc.

Soon to be home

2008-10-16T15:35:00.001-07:00

I will be living in a small brick building behind this jailhouse come November....

Golden Box

2008-10-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

Rae now has a little golden box and matching key to receive letters and things from you all.
Box 630

Bisbee, Az 85603

Back at it

2008-10-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

So, I have not posted here in quite a while. I was negligent, true. I have been sharing a blog with my dear friend Lindsay, yes. But this morning while browsing through the Bisbee Copper Queen Library I have decided to start back up. I am without a phone or permanent address so I thoguth it would be good to return to this blog to let ya'll know what's happening in the life of Rae. (Ya'll has been adopted into my vocabulary). So here is the latest....

Two days ago I moved my life (hiking pack, two boxes of books, bike and dog) from Douglas to Bisbee, Arizona. I work in Bisbee at a natural food co-op and teach yoga. I have met some really great friends here and have been warmly welcomed into the community here. For the next three weeks I will be housesitting/dogsitting for this man named Andre on the side of a hill here in town. It is a beautiful quiet place with a veranda and clothesling outside my window.

When they return, I will go to Philly/Baltimore to go to Hannah Vail's wedding, see my pregnant Sarah and visit Jessica on the farm. Then I will return to Bisbee and move into an old brick building behind the old-time jailhouse-turned-travel agency. The building was once an ole wine shop and cellar owned by the Italians back in the 1920's. I will live near my two goo friends Jade and Peter who have a garden outside my front door. The Mexico border at Naco is 15 minutes away and I will be able to volunteer there at the resource center for migrants. I know nothing more of the future than this.

I hope to write more and share my writing, paint and draw and cook and hike in these mountains. I also want to learn to play harmonica. This may take some time, but for those of you in Seattle, I will be up there in the Springtime to visit and celebrate Abby and Jake's wedding.

Here is to new beginnings...

merging

2008-01-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

Raeful blogs is moving to lindensea.blogspot.com to merge with the space of a dear friend of mine, so you can enjoy the postings of us both. peace and chicken grease.

digging

2008-01-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

i will being things that are not intended to end. i will carve a vein in the earth with my fingernails. i will go down deep into warm darkness and not search for an out. in the musk of this circulation i will listen to the music of life emerging, descending and regenerating and i will learn from this love.

out of town and sorts

2007-12-23T16:18:00.000-08:00

it is funny how mumbled things can get by simply changing your environment. i have been in california for less than a week and i am a bit out of sorts. it is good seeing people i love and do not get the chance to have in my day-to-day life anymore but i font feel grounded or connected within myself and in turn, have a difficulty being fully present and connecting to those around me. i just talked to an old friend and he just found out he has cancer. it seems like a lot of people in my life and in trying places right now and i feel it trying me as well. I am having a hard time extending grace and patience and even love to the people in my present environment and hope that they will still be able to grant those things to me. i think i am a bit anxious about the future because i know i must wait for more guidance but want to know now...i have realized that i fear judgement and that i am the most stern judge of all. there is such beautiful sunshine and rolling hillsides that have wrapped themselves around me like they used to. thanks for reading my release.

a prayer

2007-12-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

please pray for a sister of mine who is struggling with a terminal illness. last night she took a bad turn and it is frightening. she is a bright and resilient spirit, known and loved by many of you. lift her up in your hearts. thank you.

ode to katie

2007-12-14T00:41:00.000-08:00

tonight a dear friend of mine came in from france. i am a bit ashamed to say that i forgot how much she means to me. she reminds me how to see color and vibrance. how to thrive for all things true and beautiful. she is genuinely graceful in every sense of the word. we will be able to be around her for a few days and so i am celebrating katie tonight with classical music, hot cocoa and nag champa.

from the depths

2007-12-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

Today some friends of mine shared with me an image from this artist. Her name is Erica Grimm-Vance. enjoy.

giddy

2007-12-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

today i woke up early and excited like a kid on thier first day of school. it is my last day of school for a little while and im on the edge of a few weeks of freedom. so i danced in my living room in my underwear at 7am. the sun will stay out today. im sure of it.

2007-12-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

the sun came back.

reunion

2007-12-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

tonight i saw an immense light
a large hand reached
between rib cages
slow, steady, strong

lifted me limp
by the sternum

bluegreen bulging channels
wrapped round
steady flow
a glow
pulsating life
light
from one Palm

the other cradled chin and cheek
tingle of tender touch

we've been apart
for far too long

gravity

2007-12-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

How surely gravity's law,
strong as an ocean current,
takes hold of even the smallest thing
and pulls it toward the heart of the world.

Each thing
each stone, blossom, child
is held in place.
Only we, in our arrogance,
push out beyond what we each belong to
for some empty freedom.

If we surrendered
to Earth's inteligence
we could rise up rooted, like trees.

Instead we entangle ourselves
in knots of our own making
and struggle, lonely and confused.

So, like children, we begin again
to learn from the things,
because they are in God's heart;
they have never left him.

This is what the things teach us:
to fall,
patiently to trust our heaviness.
Even a bird has to do that
before he can fly.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

beginnings..

2007-12-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

are enjoyable, much like endings. so we being this deposit site of thoughts and things into space. i have a hunch it will be full of starts and finishes of many sorts. thanks for your visit...more to come