Sunday, December 23, 2007
out of town and sorts
it is funny how mumbled things can get by simply changing your environment. i have been in california for less than a week and i am a bit out of sorts. it is good seeing people i love and do not get the chance to have in my day-to-day life anymore but i font feel grounded or connected within myself and in turn, have a difficulty being fully present and connecting to those around me. i just talked to an old friend and he just found out he has cancer. it seems like a lot of people in my life and in trying places right now and i feel it trying me as well. I am having a hard time extending grace and patience and even love to the people in my present environment and hope that they will still be able to grant those things to me. i think i am a bit anxious about the future because i know i must wait for more guidance but want to know now...i have realized that i fear judgement and that i am the most stern judge of all. there is such beautiful sunshine and rolling hillsides that have wrapped themselves around me like they used to. thanks for reading my release.
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I too have felt this dissonance between myself and the shell of my former self that I must fill when I return home. I constantly feel unrested as I carry on, thinking and doing in a manner that is no longer true. It is strange that my source has become such a contrast, but perhaps this is a testament to how unsolidified my character is. I want to be able to be myself no matter the time or place, but it seems I am the company I keep.
One more week and we'll both be home, my arms miss you :)
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